Humor

Some New Funnies

A church was in dire need of a new Pastor. They decided to hire their new Pastor without ever hearing him preach or even interviewing him. They simply reviewed his resume and made the decision.
The Pastor’s first Sunday came and he took his place behind the pulpit to bring his first sermon for the congregation. He mumbled for about 3 or 4 minutes and sat down. No one could understand a word he said and were amazed at how brief he was.
The board was in shock and worried. they called an emergency meeting and one young man on the board said, “we need to do something about this now. Maybe we need to let him go.” An elderly gentleman on the board spoke up in his wise way and said, “it’s only one week. Let’s not be rash. Let’s give him some time.” They all agreed and went on.
The next week the Pastor once again walked to the pulpit and mumbled for about 3 or 4 minutes and sat down. Again, no one could understand a word he said. Needless to say the board was really concerned now and they called another emergency board meeting. The younger board member once again called for action and wanted to let the Pastor go. The elderly board member spoke once again and asked for calmer heads saying, “Let’s give him one more week at least.” The rest of the board hesitantly agreed.
The third week the Pastor stood behind the pulpit and preached, and preached, and preached…He went for over two hours. The congregation thought he would never quit talking.
The board was amazed and now concerned for a different reason. so they called their third emergency board meeting and this time invited the Pastor. They asked him what in the world was going on? The younger board member said, “the first two weeks you mumbled the whole time where no one could understand you and you hardly preached for five minutes. Then this week you preach for over two hours. What is going on?”
The preacher began to apologize and explain himself. He told them, “the first week I had just gotten all of my teeth pulled and I was miserable. The second week I had just gotten my new false teeth. They didn’t fit right and were so uncomfortable I could hardly talk.” One of the board members interrupted and said, “well that explains the first two weeks but what about this week when you talked for over two hours?” The Pastor explained, “well this week I got up this morning and accidentally put wife’s teeth in.”

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t
used the gift I bought you last year!”

…And that’s how the fight started…..

A husband was hinting about what he wanted for his birthday
He said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds

The wife bought him a scale.

…And that’s how the fight started….

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive

So, I took her to a gas station.

…And that’s when the fight started…..

 

 

 

 

 

This page will be updated periodically with some good clean humor (okay, I can’t guarantee good, but it will be clean)

On a recent flight there was a baptist sitting in first class whose ticket was for coach.  After the flight had taken off a flight attendant noticed the error and informed the baptist they had to move back to the coach section.  The baptist promptly answered, “I’m a baptist, I’m eternally secure, I’m on my way to London and I’m not moving.”  Well, a second, more senior flight attendant tried to speak to the baptist and convince them they needed to move back to coach and the baptist’s response was once again, “I’m a baptist, I’m eternally secure, I’m on my way to London and I’m not moving.”  This ‘discussion’ went on for almost an hour when the flight attendants brought the matter to the attention of the pilot.  The senior flight attendant said, “I suppose we will have to radio ahead to security and have them picked up when we land.”  The pilot said, “let me speak to them.  I speak baptist.”

The pilot went back to the baptist and whispered something in their ear and they promptly got up out of their seat in first class and moved back to coach.  The flight attendants were astonished.

The first flight attendant said to the pilot, “what did you say to them?  We’ve been arguing with them for almost an hour to no avail and you talk to them for 30 seconds and they move.”  The pilot replied, “I simply told them that first class doesn’t stop in London.”

What do you call someone at a Nazarene church with half a brain?

Visitor

Since I was raised Baptist and am Ordained in the Church of the Nazarene I can get by with these two.

PECANS
IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside
the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,’
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe
what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you , one for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.’
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all.
Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.